A New Leaf

Not really. Just kind of testing to see if my blog is still alive. I haven't even signed into it for well over a year. Apparently Google now owns Blogger as I had to set up a google account in order to access my own blog. How weird...

That's it for now.

Year-End Thoughts

Each one of us must make his own true way,

and when we do,that way will express the universal way.

This is the mystery.

~

Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

I wrote my first journal entry in this, the current iteration of my ongoing journals of my life, on January 3, 2005. Now it is nearly a year later and the quote that opened that first journal entry shall also be the quote that I use to close out this year’s journal.

Ah. . . what a ride it has been this year! So much unfolding, so much learning, so much growth, so much hard work, so much perseverance demanded. It has been a few years now since I last sat in a sweat lodge. In fact, if I think about it, I do believe that my last sweat lodge was back in September of 2001. I was still newly separated from my wife at the time and I was going through a rather difficult time. I knew that it was my time of transition and I had no idea where I was going to end up. I’d thrown it all up into the wind, or as Jesus would say, I had surrendered and put my life into the hands of Creator and it was for Creator to decide what to do with me.

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?'”

Well, I have moved through that time but that has not necessarily meant that life has become any easier. Life just is. And I think I’ve come to understand a bit more this year that it really is about the journey. Not always easy to focus on that. Laureen is forever preaching to me to be more aware. And I am aware, in some ways. Yet in other ways, I miss things. But I have become aware of how important it is to be centered and balanced and to stay on one’s path, no matter how much outside influences try to pull you off of it.

My new job is a case in point. I don’t want to wax negative about it here because this last journal entry of 2005 is not about negativity. It is about acknowledging the gifts and the teachings that have been bestowed upon me this year and I do acknowledge them most gratefully and with a heart full of humility. I am, after all, but a simple man, a common man. And that’s okay, too. In fact, it is preferable. It is good to acknowledge where one stands in the bigger scheme of things. What I acknowledge about my new job is that it seeks to pull me off of my path and that I cannot allow. So, either I will change my job to suit my needs, or I will be off on yet another journey to find that which will suit my needs.

And the trick in that, as always, is to define my needs at this time. And there is an acknowledgement in that, too, for one’s needs are not, and are never, static. One’s needs change over time so what it is that I perceive I may need today, will not necessarily be what I need tomorrow. For now, this job that I have is meeting my present need for greater abundance and I thank Creator most heartily for it’s good timing.

In the meantime, it is up to me to begin to define what it is that I’m going to need, going forward on this journey that is my life and the focus is on doing so in a positive way. It is important to focus on the positive, the light, and not to focus on the negative. And it is always important to remain focused on how one is walking one’s journey, and living one’s life.

I feel good about many of the things that I accomplished this year. Some things have been really large things, things whose ultimate outcome I cannot yet see. And some things have been small things – things meant to lighten the burden of others and, in so doing, they have instilled a deeper sense of connection and well-being in my own life. That is because each time I do something good for another, it fills me with a positive and happy energy and so I know that I have also done something good for myself.

In the end, one can only try to walk one’s path in a good way, and remain true to one’s purpose. Along the way, one must try to define, for oneself, what that purpose is to be. My purpose is to walk gently, to touch others, and to come to the end of my days knowing that I have done what felt good and right to do. No regrets. No fantasies. Look reality straight in the eye, stare down one’s fears, and move gently into that good night which ultimately comes for us all.

Back again, for a moment

“A world without string is chaos”
~
Randolph Smuntz (Mouse Hunt)

It’s been quite some time since I sat down and actually had a little time to myself to write a god-honest journal entry. How sad is that?

Work has been absolutely crazy and there’s just no other way around it. I’m trying to “buck up!” as it were and hang in there but I’m truly not having fun with this job. I realize I was spoiled and beyond spoiled in my last job. I had nearly eight years of what I called “semi-retirement” and the job suited me perfectly. The only downfall to it was that I was getting run over by inflation in that my annual salary increases were not keeping pace with the ever-spiraling-out-of-control cost of living and so I finally had to face that fact and look for another job.

Don’t get me wrong – I count myself lucky to have found a job and one that gave me a rather substantial pay increase. The trade-off is that I’ve given up every iota of free time that I had, and more. I have to confess that I’m struggling to accept my new life. Meanwhile, Laureen has been enrolled in an evening Manicurist class since mid-September and she attends classes three nights a week - Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday – where she’s in class from 6:00 PM until 10:00 PM but that’s okay because on those nights I’m doing good to get home by 8:30 or 9:00 PM myself. Those are my 14 hour days, of which there are many more than I’d like.

Have I bitched enough yet?

Anyhow, I was just reading the teaching for Week 7 of the West direction of the medicine wheel. It has to do with Dreaming, and in particular, Shamanic dreaming. In conjunction with that, I also happened to read my first entry to this current journal, made last January, on the 3rd to be exact. The reading of that journal entry was an excellent reminder of what my walk this year was supposed to be about and I can see quite clearly that I’ve managed to stray from the path.

Ah, what to do, what to do? Well, I think that journal entry bears repeating :

(the following was written on January 3, 2005)

Each one of us must make his own true way,
and when we do,
that way will express the universal way.
This is the mystery.
~
Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

This is it - the first entry to my new journal! Ah, where to begin and what to say?

For starters, I’m sitting here at work and it is Monday morning on this third day of January in the new year of 2005. It is currently about 50 degrees outside and it is raining. I’ll take that any day in January.

I have just finished removing the nine 2004 calendars from my walls here at work and I have replaced them with eight new calendars. I’m short a calendar at the moment but that’s fine because there’s one I’d really like to get so I have a space reserved for it. In the meantime, the quote that opens this new journal, journal number nine for me, comes from my premier calendar for this year – Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind.

Indeed, not only did I borrow my opening passage from January’s calendar page, but I also subtitled this year’s Spirit Journal, “Zen Mind”.

I see this new journal to be something of a continuation of last year’s journal, which I had subtitled “The Pathless Path”. Now I suppose I could write a lengthy diatribe on the meaning in all of this, but there is no need. The Pathless Path is rather self explanatory. And I have used the opening passage in this year’s journal to describe what I hope to achieve as I move forward in life.

Actually, it’s not about achieving at all anymore. It’s about being. Being and living. About taking each day as it comes. About taking each moment as it comes.

Coincidentally, or not, Laureen and I rewatched “The Last Samuri” last night. Parts of it were difficult to watch. Parts of it captured exactly the spirit of what I want to create in my own life. Dedication, determination, discipline. I believe that those are some of the characteristics to be found in a life well lived.

Now it seems to me that our selection of movies last week may have set the tone for this year. We watched several Hallmark movies over our Christmas vacation, including Dreamkeeper, Noah’s Ark, and Gulliver’s Travels. And we also rewatched “Finding Nemo.” They were all excellent movies, although I must admit that Noah’s Ark was done in a rather “tongue-in-cheek” fashion. Yet in their own ways, each movie spoke of walking a path that leads to living a cleaner and purer life.

So then, that is the purpose for this year – to learn to live a simpler and purer life. To continue to appreciate the many small and special moments that fill our lives. To disregard the ignorance and anger that is all around us and to walk through it unscathed. As I pointed out in my final journal entry of 2004, the world is full of angry people right now. Angry, unhappy, and unfulfilled. It manifests in many ways. It is the time of No-Eyes. The time of the prophecies. It is a dangerous world out there. Laureen and I were walking and talking at the park this past weekend and we talked about how it will likely get worse before it gets better. She’s worried about what she’s supposed to be doing with her life. I believe that the time will come when the purpose of her life will manifest. I joked with her that I was walking with Medicine Woman, but in truth, I was not joking. She has strong medicine and in the days to come I believe that many will seek their healing from her.

Just as she has helped to heal me.

She is Little Black Eagle.
May she walk in Beauty.
Beauty all Around her.
Beauty in front of her.
Beauty behind her.
May she walk in Beauty.

AHO!

********************************************

(and now, back to the present)

I don’t know what else to say at the moment. Christmas is rushing towards us at lightspeed and I love Christmas because in truth, I am a child at heart and I have never stopped believing in Santa Claus. It’s not about believing in a fat little man in a red suit. It’s about believing in magic and goodness and knowing that dreams can come true. I know, it may sound a little Pollyanna because there is so much tragedy and misfortune in the world, but for me that’s all the more reason to believe in the spirit of Christmas and whether it’s Christ’s spirit, or something else, it matters not to me.

And I’m sad because it’s going to come and go too fast and I’m not going to have the time to really savor it and enjoy it and that saddens me too. However, I have at least been able to prepare a few little surprise goodies for some unsuspecting people who have held a special place in my heart this year and that’s always a fun part of Christmas for me too. Indeed, I find it much more fun to give then to receive, although I also enjoy even the smallest of gifts for it is the act of giving that is precious to me and the gift itself is simply symbolic of the giving itself.

Well, Laureen has just called to let me know that she is on her way so I have to go off now and prepare a cup of tea for her. She’s both very tired and very hyper when she gets home at night so de-stressing her requires special attention.

It was nice to write, if but for a moment.

A View from the City

I musta got lost...

~

J. Geils

Well, it is now Thursday morning and here I sit, once again, in the back lobby of the Radisson hotel in Cambridge. Right across the street is the Charles River and on the other side of the river is the well-known, at least around these parts, Storrow Drive. I’ll tell you, I’ve never been much of a city person. I don’t know why that is, exactly, but it is. I think it might partly be due to a bad experience I once had while attending a rock concert in Boston as a teenager. In those days you used to be able to buy what they called a “general admission” ticket to a concert in the old Boston Garden and that meant that there was no assigned seating. It was a “first-come, first-served” situation. So a group of us had purchased tickets to see J. Geils and Duke and the Drivers at the Boston Garden. Actually, that is a story in itself because we had originally gone into Boston to buy tickets for a Led Zepplin concert but a mini-riot had broken out during the ticket-buying process and as a result the Zepplin show had actually been canceled and for quite a few years after that, Zepplin was actually banned from playing in Boston – at least at the Boston Garden. In fact, I’m not sure that they ever played in Boston again as a band.

Anyhow, getting back to the story, as a result of the Zepplin concert being canceled we ended up getting tickets to see J. Geils because that was the replacement band for the Zepplin concert. So the night of the concert came and we all caught the train in Concord, MA, which in those days brought you right down into the back of the Boston Garden. We got there early, thinking we would get in line early and indeed, we were the first ones in line, standing right at the very door that would open into the Garden concert hall itself. Did I mention that I’d been drinking Southern Comfort and smoking lots of joints on the way in – on the train? Hey, it was the mid-seventies, probably 1974 or thereabouts, so at the time it was the thing to do. Of course, I was all of about 15 or 16 years old. (My parents were pretty trusting in those days)

Anyhow, within a few hours the entire back of the Garden had filled to capacity and beyond with people trying to work their way to the front of the line - the spot that we occupied. It became a mad, scary, crazy crush of people and after a while things really began to get out of control. I can still remember the crowd chanting, “One-Two-Three-Four, open up the fucking door” and each time they said it there was a mighty surge forward to the point where we were literally getting crushed against the door. I remember looking over to one of the guys who was with me, Mark Choate, and realizing that his was actually not even touching the ground with his feet. He was being crushed by the crowd and just kind of floating around in it. Well, I think it was at that point that panic set in and I decided that I had to get out of there.

So I started to “swim” through the crowd, literally, because that was the only way to maneuver through them. Eventually I ended up emerging into some sort of side hallway area, off of the main back lobby, and I found myself situated with some pretty scary looking people. I remember one guy standing over the prone (or passed out) body of someone else and he was kind of kicking him and crying and asking the guy if he was dead. Of course, the guy couldn’t respond because he was either passed out, or maybe dead. Passed out is more likely…

I quickly decided that this wasn’t the place to be either so I somehow worked my way back outside to the back of the Boston Garden. By now it was dark and there were police all over the place because they’d been called in to try to calm things down. I remember seeing police, and police with dogs – big German Shepards – and I’m thinking to myself, in my drunken, drugged-out state, “what the hell am I doing here and how the hell am I going to get out of here?” On top of that, I’d been separated from everyone I’d come in with so I was by myself.

Well, somehow things eventually worked out. I think I wondered around for a while and then I followed a cop to a door that led back into the Garden and he actually let me in. I think maybe he saw the look on my face – sheer terror – and gave me a break. And then I followed some dark passageway and eventually found myself inside the concert hall. Amazingly, I even managed to find the people I came with and I don’t know how that happened in retrospect. Maybe Creator guided me…?

Oddly enough, I remember calming down enough to actually enjoy part of the concert. I remember thinking that Duke and the Drivers – a local band that never quite made it big – were actually better then J. Geils. I mean, J. Geils was good – they were at their peak back then – but Duke and the Drivers were very high energy that night and they really got the crowd going.

I think after that concert, Boston, on the heels of banning Led Zepplin from Boston, decided that general admission shows weren’t a good idea either so I think that was maybe one of the last general admission concerts of that size in the Boston Garden.

I’ll tell you, considering that all of this happened to me over thirty years ago, it is amazing how fresh it all still is in my mind. Is it any wonder then, that I have a fear of cities? Personally I think there are just too many people in a city and it’s just too claustrophobic to me and I don’t have a great sense of direction and with all of the tall buildings looming above me I lose that sense of open space and feel like I’m lost and smothered. I guess I’m an “open-spaces” kind of guy.

The other city-related memory that’s kind of etched in my mind has to do with the first time I drove through New York. Now I’ve never been to New York City proper. My ex-wife has a sister who lives out on Long Island so we went out to visit her a couple of times and on the first trip out, well, I’d never been to New York at all and by that time I’d already had a well-developed fear of cities so New York was like the mother of all cities – and therefore the biggest and scariest of them all. (Mind you, all of this from a 46 year-old man.) Anyhow, we came by way of Connecticut and that meant that we had to drive through the Bronx. Well, I think we’d just entered into the Bronx (and I’m thinking to myself as we’re driving, “My God, I’m in the Bronx”), and I look on the side of the road while we’re driving and I see this dead German Shepard just lying there like a discarded and quasi-petrified (or putrefied) piece of trash and it just kind of crystallized all of the half-formed beliefs I’d developed about cities. Of course, the subsequent abandoned and stripped cars that we saw on the side of the road only served to reinforce my convictions that cities were no place for a sane person to be. I think the final nail in the coffin was the people who came up to our car while we were at stop lights, wanting to sell us newspapers or wash our windows. Now those were some scary-looking people to a kid who grew up in a quasi-fifties style suburbia and had never experienced such things. Still, I realize that another pair of eyes might have found all of this fascinating whereas I simply found it terrifying. I guess it comes down to one’s personal composition, or perhaps one’s constitution, as my mom would say.

So, those are my city tales for today. I’ve got about an hour to go before the morning workshop session starts. Today is the last day of the workshop and it is only going till about noon. After that we get a nice lunch and then it’s back to the work grind. It will be interesting to see how the office move went – if it went all.

As for now, I’m over and out!

Once again, I pop up into view

Mother Mother Mother
There’s far too many of us now…

So, as the song goes – “What’s going on?”

I really don’t know. I am sitting in the back lobby of the Radisson Hotel in Cambridge, waiting for “Day Two” of the SSS Financial Aid workshop to begin. I arrived here this morning at 6:23 AM and it is currently 7:14 AM. No doubt about it - today is going to be a very long day. Yesterday was the first day of the workshop. I arrived at about 12:15 pm. It was only about a fifteen minute ride from work so that was a piece of cake. During yesterday’s first day of the workshop, I met four people:

1) Diane, a business manager from Beverly, MA
2) Betsy from Michigan
3) Sarah from Maine
4) Taube (pronounced Toby) from Staten Island, NY

So, all in all we were a diverse group and it was interesting to talk with them and to learn about some of their private school experiences.

As for the rest, I really should be doing some work right now and I might be if I had remembered to bring my depreciation papers with me. Heaven knows where they are at the moment. Today the entire business office is being moved from the basement of the Administrative Building of the school over to the basement of the Autumn Road house. (Why does the accounting department always end up in an out-of-the-way location?) In a way it’s definitely exciting because after nearly eight years – well, just about eight years to be exact (amazing, isn’t it?) – I am going to have an honest-to-God office again, and not-too-shabby an office at that. The downside of it is the down time that we’ll incur during the transition. On the other hand, I was going to be incurring some downtime this week anyhow due to the financial aid seminar – which I can already see was a definite must-do. There’s just no way I could have muddled through a season of determining who gets financial aid on my own, without having taken something like this workshop so that I would have some underlying understanding of how the whole process works.

Indeed, in that sense I am adding a potentially valuable new skill set to my repertoire of skills so, once again, one never knows where all of this will lead.

As for other “life” news, since it has been so absolutely long since I’ve written anything at all, both Laureen and I have been seeing, and being seen by, lots of hawks lately so we can only take that as a positive sign from Creator that we are on the right path, even if it does seem to be something of a struggle at the moment. Perhaps “struggle” isn’t the right word. It’s definitely a lot of hard work for both of us right now. Laureen has her classes three nights a week – Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday – and they run from 6:00 PM to 10:00 Pm so that’s quite a night for her. On top of that she’s had to do a lot of studying and of course, there is always her parents in the background.

This past Monday she accompanied her parents to a pre-op meeting with a cardiologist in preparation for Dino’s upcoming heart surgery to repair a valve in his heart. It was a very difficult day for Laureen as both of her parents seem to be so out of the loop in some ways regarding this whole thing. Don’t get me wrong – I understand that it is their life and they need to do what they need to do (just like my mother and father), but Laureen gets so aggravated and upset by the almost complete lack of… I don’t know what you’d call it – concern? caring? comprehension?. They don’t ask the doctors any questions when they’re in these meetings. They just agree with everything the doctor says and half the time, or more, they really don’t even understand what the doctor is saying. Now I realize that a lot of people probably take that tack but in this particular case, this really could be a life or death situation for Dino so I can understand where Laureen is coming from in her need for information, and the correct information at that. I guess it was a good thing that she went to the meeting with the cardiologist on Monday, even though it aggravated her, and all of her muscular pain, to no end.

Ah – what else? I came off of digest mode with the Journal Writing yahoo group the other day. I’d been on digest mode since late August, coinciding with my leaving my position as the Assistant Business Manager at The New England Center for Children and starting up as the Business Manager at The Meadowbrook School of Weston. It has been a tough ride so far in my new position as Business Manager at Meadowbrook. There have been lots and lots of hours – at least 60 a week, and probably more like 70 to 75 hours, weekends included. I don’t know if I’ve actually hit an 80 hour week yet, but I’ve probably been close a few times. A few weeks ago I finally broke down and brought in a temporary accountant from AccounTemps. At first I wasn’t sure what I’d use him for, but it quickly evolved into using him for everything that I don’t have time to do myself. In fact, today he is in there, standing in for me and coordinating the move of the business office over to our new location. Thank God I got him because I’d be so far behind by now without him that I wouldn’t even want to contemplate it. As I said in an all-school email before departing for the financial aid workshop yesterday, we’ve got the proverbial “Bob from AccounTemps” on hand so everything is under control.

The Reappearing Man

Sometimes the light’s all shinin’ on me;

Other times I can barely see.

Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it’s been.

~

The Grateful Dead

I bet you thought I had disappeared. Or....heaven forbid, maybe you didn't even notice. I haven't written a lick of anything in a month - one month to be exact.

So, how's the new job, you ask? Don't ask!

I managed to finagle a huge raise for myself, as well as raising the bar of my career status. On paper, I went from being an Assistant Business Manager to being a Business Manager. Yup - I now work for a private school in a wealthy town and most of the parents of our students are on the board of trustees. In truth, my position is more akin to being a director of finance and operations. And truth be told, I don't know if I'm going to survive this job. Or, more likely, I don't know how long I will be staying in this job. Since I started, officially on August 29th, I've been working anywhere from 10 - 12 hour days, plus putting in time on weekends. I'll tell you - I don't like it one bit!

However, we really, really needed the extra money that this job is providing and it really is giving us a lot of extra money. Thank God for that because what with gas and home heating oil and electricity costs all skyrocketing we would have had to sell our house because we would not have been able to afford it this winter.

The job could be interesting, but they're stingy about hiring enough administrative people and so I'm doing the job that two or even three people should be doing. On top of that, I'm trying to play catch-up because the former business manager retired at the end of July so they went a month without anybody doing anything.

At any rate, some good did come out of all of this and Laureen and I were both convinced that this was what I was supposed to be doing. There have been so many signs that all of this is unfolding exactly as it was meant to unfold. One day we even had a full double rainbow over our house, stretching from ground to ground. It was one of the most coolest things I've ever seen and it came right as I was pondering whether or not to take the job.

But even more interesting is that as a result of my taking this job - and the reason I am even able to write tonight - is that Laureen has actually gone back to school. Indeed, she started this very night, and it was my new job that was the catalyst for her deciding to go back to school and that was so totally cool because for three years (or more) I've been trying to get her interested in life again and it has finally begun to happen.

So how did this unfold, you ask? (Well, I'm pretending that you might have asked)

Shortly after accepting my new position, the Headmaster told me that there would be a clambake held for the returning faculty & staff and that spouses and significant others were expected to attend as well. Well, Laureen flew into a tizzy because she didn't have a lick to wear and she felt so dowdy that there was absolutely no way that she was going to go. But - she had to go because not going is not an option at this school. (You see, I'm a player now - big man on campus - or one of them anyhow). So, one of the things that she did in order to prepare for the clambake gathering was to get her nails done. Now that may seem like a simple enough thing, but nothing is simple with Laureen. She hadn't had her nails done in years upon years and it was something that she'd been wanting to do so I told her to do it and she did it and in the process she discovered that the woman who was doing her nails was actually making more money selling her own hand-made jewelry on the side and in that we realized that this might be showing us something.

The short of it is that Laureen started classes tonight in order to become a manicurist (she'll have to get licensed by the state once she finishes the classes) with the idea of opening her own boutique where she'll do manicures, energy work, sell her jewelry and greeting cards and prints of her paintings....the ideas are endless and it's like the perfect segue.

So, that's it in a nutshell and if I hadn't taken the new job she wouldn't have gone to get her nails done and we'd probably be getting ready to sell our house and for all of the stress and strain that the new job is putting on me, and on us (our schedules are so different now), there is still some really good positive stuff coming out of it.

Anyhow, since I left my old job on August 26, 2005, I have not written anything. I have not posted to my blog (until today), and I have not visited anyone else's blog. I have been completely consumed by, and focused on, my new job. Tonight is the first night I've had a moment (and I really should be reviewing our audited financial statements in preparation for tomorrow's audit committee meeting but man I really need a break) to write anything at all.

Well, I guess that's it for the moment. It feels good to be back!

Blatant Self-Promotion

Without promotion something terrible happens. . . Nothing!
~
P.T. Barnum

Okay, maybe not self promotion, but girlfriend promotion and since my girlfriend (really, much more then that) is an extension of myself, well, I guess it qualifies as self-promotion.

Who is she? Good question. She is a truly gifted artist who's been drawing, painting, sewing, scribbling and whatever since she was a little kid.

Me? I was eating the paste they gave us in school and engaging in wet crepe paper fights in class. Not the most artistic person in the world. . .

Anyhow, my girlfriend is a very spiritual and special person. When I first started to get to know her she hadn't been painting at all for a number of years because she was too traumatized by a failing marriage, and she was also still rather weak from combatting both chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromylgia. She finally started painting again about a year and a half ago and I've been trying to get a website up and going for her. You can visit it, such as it is, at the following location:

www.silverseeds.com

I realize that it's not much yet, but I do have some prototype greeting cards coming soon and if we like them then I'll be putting up a new section on her website with details about the card line.

I've also been looking into giclee prints but we're not quite there yet. At the moment Laureen, multi-talented being that she is, is making 16 drapery panels, with linings, using 40+ yards of material. We have three bay windows and two pairs of French doors that need to be covered up and she found some material that she really liked and decided to make everything herself. It's a truly monumental task but I know it will come out just great.

So, that's it for now.

Deep Thinking on a Monday

Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
~
REM

It wasn't looking like I was going to get any writing done today, but something did pop out late this afternoon - prompted by something someone wrote in one of my Yahoo groups. This may appear to be a bit out of context, since I'm not going to put up the email that prompted my own meanderings, but nevertheless, I shall serve them up anyhow -


R -

I've been holding onto this one (your email) for a while as it has taken me some time to catch up on some of my older emails after my two-week vacation at the beginning of this month. The questions that you've posed, R, are questions that I've asked myself time and time again, in some form or another. I have often wondered if we created God rather then God creating us. Perhaps an unanswerable question, and then again, perhaps we'll find out after we've passed off this earth.

And I have also left no progeny as of yet, and at the moment it looks as if I will not be leaving any. I used to want children, and then I didn't, and now I don't. However, and still, there is a tinge of remorse at not leaving my mark in the genetic pool of life. I suppose there is some consolation in the knowledge that both of my brothers and one of my sisters have children who will continue to pass on the Austin bloodline. Still, my immortality is certainly less then certain at this point. And isn't immortality really what it's all about?

It's funny - as I've grown older I've seen myself growing into my father. That is, there have been times when I've looked into the mirror and I've seen my father looking back at me. It can be a disconcerting experience and it sometimes makes me wonder if I am really "my own man" or simply another iteration of someone else. Sometimes I look at my hands or my hairline (sigh) and I see, not myself, but my dad. Maybe that's what having children is all about.

As for God, I believe there is something bigger then we can conceive going on, but I don't believe it can be categorized or quantified by religion. I think religion is designed to give "the few" power over the many. But I also understand that a lot of people need the structure and security that religion provides because without it, there's no sense of certainty. I guess I've grown accustomed to uncertainty because that is the nature of things. Life is change, and change is uncertainty and to embrace life one must embrace change and thus, the uncertainty that accompanies it. In the end, no one can say what comes after the end, until they've experienced it for themselves. However, I think our own power to create may be far greater then we suspect, as some branches of physics are beginning to show us. The observer, while strictly in the act of observing, has an observable effect upon the outcome. Thus, do desire and expectation create the outcome? At the least, it appears to have an effect upon it. And I bring this up because - well, because it reminds me of the Robin Williams movie, "What Dreams May Come", in which each individual has a hand in creating their after-life experience based upon their expectations of what it will be like.

I like that concept and I think that we often, in our movies, books, and ideas, touch upon an element of the "Greater Truth" without realizing it.

Children of a Lesser God

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." --Norman Cousins


Thus far I have not let much die within me. Laureen helps me to keep the child inside of me alive. Whenever I am sad or anxious or depressed, I smile at Laureen, and even if she is sad or anxious or depressed, she smiles back at me. And pretty soon we’re smiling at each other and we’re touching each other. And then, pretty soon, we’re laughing and the laughter washes away our sadness and our anxieties and we are, once again, the children that we always have been.

A Sad Day for Trekkies

SCOTTY: “She's all yours, sir. All systems automated and ready. A chimpanzee and two trainees could run her!”

CPTN KIRK: “Thank you, Mr. Scott, I'll try not to take that personally.”

Scotty and Kirk (from Star Trek III – The Search for Spock)


Yes, today is a sad day for Trekkies everywhere. Mr. James Doohan, otherwise known as the infamous "Scotty" of Star Trek fame, passed away today. I guess one could say he finally took that one way transporter ride to the Great Beyond.

I am not an impressionist by any stretch of the imagination but the one impression I like to foist upon my girlfriend from time to time is Scotty's "Scottish" drawl. She hates it when I do it, but I think she's in for it tonight.

So, my hat's off to you Mr. James Doohan, wherever in Space and Beyond you might be. May your dilithium crystals never fracture and may your orbit never decay.